I Like My Food Like I Like My Mascots...

America: land of opportunity, land of freedom, and land of fast food. How can we consider ourselves upstanding citizens and not pay our due homage to this well-established American institution?Ladies and Germs... we give you:

So here it is. Our opinion of which mascots "drive-thru" straight to our hearts, and which ones clog our arteries on the way.

100º C - Wendy
Professional Pippy-Longstockings-look-a-like and part-time fast food model, Wendy knows the answer to "where's the beef?". What's not to like? The freckles, the fiery hair, the Baconator, natural cut fries, and (of course) her irresistible Frosty.

95º C - Hamburglar
Looking for a tall, dark, mysterious stranger? You're wasting your time. Everyone knows the short, quirky, quasi-mysterious Hamburglar is where it's at. The tie suggests he's a working man who provides stability, yet the Zoro hat and cape show that he has a wild side to him as well. Also, the stripes are quite slimming.

90º C - Colonel Sanders
I do declare! The fine example of a thorough-bred Southern gentleman. He's a master when it comes to picking up chicks... bringing them home... and then frying them in a pan with his secret blend of spices!

80º C - The Burger King-King
He's one "whopper" of a guy and he'll always let you "have it your way". Just as long as "your way" stops by the hospital for a triple bypass surgery. Also, check out his bling. 

70º C - Papa John
Better hair, better features... Papa John. 'Nuff said.

60º C - Jared
C'mon ladies! Sure he's a little "sub"-standard, but try your best to look past the large pants, somewhat droopy features, and the strict sandwich-only diet and look on the inside. Now ask yourself: Would I go on a date with this man? If your answer is no, picture this: He looks a little serious but really, he's nothing but a big meatball. He won't stand you up. If he says 8 o'clock, he won't Be LaTe.Do you really think he'd leave you "provalone"? You guys will probably take the subway to dinner. And don't be surprised if the conversation heads towards T.V shows. His favorite is the "FRESH Prince of Bel-Air".

50º C - Jack I. T. Box
Can't get much more plain than Jack. Ergo, vis a vis, concordantly, he gets the middle spot. Sure, he seems like a swell fella, but who wants to go for average? That's so 50's. This is the 21st century. Now, the closest Jack ever gets to a date is sitting on the radio antenna of my Honda Civic on Friday nights.

40º C - Ronald McDonald
C'MON MCDONALDS! A CLOWN?! If there's one thing that unites the human McRace, it's the general consensus that these guys scare the McNuggets out of us. Also, he must be McInsecure if he's gone as far as to McPile on make up as McThick as a McFlurry. (McHint: Your eyebrows are a tad high) By the way, OJ Simpson called, he wants his McGloves back.

35º C - Taco Bell Chihuahua
Antes de París Hiltón, los Chihuahuas fueron feos. Siempre: "yak, yak, yak" --- Oh, perdóneme. Never in my life have I seen a creature as poorly proportioned as this. He looks like Frankenstein used the spare parts from his monster to make the most annoying creature in the world. His ears, for starters, look like they can be used for echolocation. (Maybe that's why they yip so much). Also, they eyes are bugging out of his head like a meth addict's. Okay... I need to quit while I still can. Onward!

30º C - Chik-fil-a Cow
Desperate, much? I bet she was the cow standing outside the barn on Prom night with a cardboard sign shouting "tickets, tickets, I need tickets!" This broad needs to lay off the chikin campaign and get some self-confidence.

25º C - Krabby the Klown
4 words: Dis.a.ppoint.ment. He promised the children a playground and gives you a deathtrap of loose screws and rusty nails. Although, I must say it's a tasteful step back from McUgly.

20º C - Lil Caesar
NO! You CAN'T make us think you're cute by adding the title "Lil" to your name. 

He came, he saw, but he most definitely did NOT conquer

10º C - GRIMACE
First of all, why would you name a supposedly lovable character Grimace? That's like naming Barney, Scowl. Or Glare. Or Smirk. I suppose he does look rather cuddly, but how do we know that's not Natural Selection at work to snare his prey?

That Snuggle-fest on two legs is a trap.

If only Admiral Ackbar had been there to warn this poor child...

0º C - Chuck E. Cheese
You know you've hit rock bottom when you look 10 million times worse in real life than you do as a cartoon. And c'mon, a mouse? Who's he fooling? He's a rat. He's like an oatmeal raisin cookie saying "C'mon! I'm chocolate chip! Everyone loves choclate chip!" Then you take that first bite and it dawns on you: you're eating rat pizza. Even tofu is more deceptive than this dirty rat.