Out of This World

Guess who's back? No, not Slim Shady. It's us, the Carless Whispererz themselves. For our comeback post we wanted to give y'all something special. We all know that when you see these guys on TV and whatnot you can't help but play "who would you do?" Believe it or not, some of these lifeforms are even hotter than the stars they come from! Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands, frontal appendages, tentacles, etc. together for....

 100°C - Whatever alien Olivia Wilde played in Cowboys V. Aliens
Okay. So maybe we cheated a little with this one. But can you blame us for finding the ONE alien that most closely resembles our species the most attractive? Also, look at her. 'Nuff said.

 90°C - Neytiri

"So you find yourself some local tail, and you just completely forget what team you're playin' for?" - General Quaritch

Yes. Yes we did. Imma grab me a spaceship and fly to Pandora and I'm Na'vi coming back to Earth. I mean, ladies of this caliber are nigh unobtanium-able. Any chance you get to go to Pandora, you take it.

 80°C - "Fiery" Figrin D'an
He may have a severe case of forehead-butt, but he's golden on the inside. Ease back and let the Kenny G of Clak'dor VII serenade you into a smooth jazz stupor like you've never experienced before. 

 70°C - Jumba Jookiba
Bad boys make everyone go weak in the knees. Who better exemplifies this persona than this fugitive mad scientist? He enjoys long walks on the moon, bantha fodder martinis, and splicing genes. If you get the chance to go dancing with him, take it. He is surprisingly light on his feet. 

 60°C - Ripa 'Moramee a.k.a. "The Arbiter"
Upsides: great body, deeply religious, totally awesome, and the dexterity in his four, separate mandibles make him a very talented kisser.
Downside: He's a real jerk. Also, his religious jihad is bent on destroying humanity, so...

 50°C - A.L.F.
Cute, cuddly, and most definitely alien. Alf may not have 
Apple Bottom jeans but he has boots made of fur (made of fur). Who wouldn't want to cuddle with this stuffed creature come to life? Downside, he has a giant pig-elephant nose-ish thing stuck to his face. However, he needs this olfactory factory to find his favorite food... feline mignon

 40°C - E.T.
See that smirk? E.T. has a secret. What's that secret you ask? He knows how to dougie. And all the girlies love it. He also knows a bar on Mars where they drive spaceships instead of caaaars. Wanna know why his finger is glowing like that? BECAUSE HE'S RED HOTT. So why is he down so far on the list? The size of his eyes and the distance between them make him look like he's always creeping on you through a pair of binoculars... He's got a dirty mind, he's got filthy ways. He wants to lay his eggs in your milky way...

 30°C - Jar Jar Binks
So many things wrong with this picture.
#1) Dreadlock ears? Really?
#2) I'm sure he's riddled with whatever diseases Space-Trinidad is home to.
#3) He-sir so a-clumsy he was-a banished.
#4) He's an NAACP law suit just waiting to happen.
But we shall give credit where credit is due. He does have some mad jumping skills. And who doesn't appreciate comedic relief?

 15°C - The Alien from Alien
This miscreant has way too many baby mamas. Also, they don't survive long. 

But apart from that, we can agree that natural selection has created the ultimate killing machine which resembles a Ducati more than an animal. And anyone who's ridden on a Ducati can agree that it will scare the crap right out of your colon.

0°C - Jabba the Hut

He's basically a face attached to a writhing, slimy turd. He may be dripping with sexual magnetism, but that "magnetism" also smells like Sarlac breath. At least you can be sure you'll never go hungry when you're together. Need a snack? Just lift up a flab of misshapen slug and find whatever meal has been forgotten there. But seriously, it's like George Lucas made a poop-snow-man, gave it giant marble eyes and called it "Jabba". 


Also his best friend is this thing:

I Like My Food Like I Like My Mascots...

America: land of opportunity, land of freedom, and land of fast food. How can we consider ourselves upstanding citizens and not pay our due homage to this well-established American institution?Ladies and Germs... we give you:

So here it is. Our opinion of which mascots "drive-thru" straight to our hearts, and which ones clog our arteries on the way.

100º C - Wendy
Professional Pippy-Longstockings-look-a-like and part-time fast food model, Wendy knows the answer to "where's the beef?". What's not to like? The freckles, the fiery hair, the Baconator, natural cut fries, and (of course) her irresistible Frosty.

95º C - Hamburglar
Looking for a tall, dark, mysterious stranger? You're wasting your time. Everyone knows the short, quirky, quasi-mysterious Hamburglar is where it's at. The tie suggests he's a working man who provides stability, yet the Zoro hat and cape show that he has a wild side to him as well. Also, the stripes are quite slimming.

90º C - Colonel Sanders
I do declare! The fine example of a thorough-bred Southern gentleman. He's a master when it comes to picking up chicks... bringing them home... and then frying them in a pan with his secret blend of spices!

80º C - The Burger King-King
He's one "whopper" of a guy and he'll always let you "have it your way". Just as long as "your way" stops by the hospital for a triple bypass surgery. Also, check out his bling. 

70º C - Papa John
Better hair, better features... Papa John. 'Nuff said.

60º C - Jared
C'mon ladies! Sure he's a little "sub"-standard, but try your best to look past the large pants, somewhat droopy features, and the strict sandwich-only diet and look on the inside. Now ask yourself: Would I go on a date with this man? If your answer is no, picture this: He looks a little serious but really, he's nothing but a big meatball. He won't stand you up. If he says 8 o'clock, he won't Be LaTe.Do you really think he'd leave you "provalone"? You guys will probably take the subway to dinner. And don't be surprised if the conversation heads towards T.V shows. His favorite is the "FRESH Prince of Bel-Air".

50º C - Jack I. T. Box
Can't get much more plain than Jack. Ergo, vis a vis, concordantly, he gets the middle spot. Sure, he seems like a swell fella, but who wants to go for average? That's so 50's. This is the 21st century. Now, the closest Jack ever gets to a date is sitting on the radio antenna of my Honda Civic on Friday nights.

40º C - Ronald McDonald
C'MON MCDONALDS! A CLOWN?! If there's one thing that unites the human McRace, it's the general consensus that these guys scare the McNuggets out of us. Also, he must be McInsecure if he's gone as far as to McPile on make up as McThick as a McFlurry. (McHint: Your eyebrows are a tad high) By the way, OJ Simpson called, he wants his McGloves back.

35º C - Taco Bell Chihuahua
Antes de París Hiltón, los Chihuahuas fueron feos. Siempre: "yak, yak, yak" --- Oh, perdóneme. Never in my life have I seen a creature as poorly proportioned as this. He looks like Frankenstein used the spare parts from his monster to make the most annoying creature in the world. His ears, for starters, look like they can be used for echolocation. (Maybe that's why they yip so much). Also, they eyes are bugging out of his head like a meth addict's. Okay... I need to quit while I still can. Onward!

30º C - Chik-fil-a Cow
Desperate, much? I bet she was the cow standing outside the barn on Prom night with a cardboard sign shouting "tickets, tickets, I need tickets!" This broad needs to lay off the chikin campaign and get some self-confidence.

25º C - Krabby the Klown
4 words: Dis.a.ppoint.ment. He promised the children a playground and gives you a deathtrap of loose screws and rusty nails. Although, I must say it's a tasteful step back from McUgly.

20º C - Lil Caesar
NO! You CAN'T make us think you're cute by adding the title "Lil" to your name. 

He came, he saw, but he most definitely did NOT conquer

10º C - GRIMACE
First of all, why would you name a supposedly lovable character Grimace? That's like naming Barney, Scowl. Or Glare. Or Smirk. I suppose he does look rather cuddly, but how do we know that's not Natural Selection at work to snare his prey?

That Snuggle-fest on two legs is a trap.

If only Admiral Ackbar had been there to warn this poor child...

0º C - Chuck E. Cheese
You know you've hit rock bottom when you look 10 million times worse in real life than you do as a cartoon. And c'mon, a mouse? Who's he fooling? He's a rat. He's like an oatmeal raisin cookie saying "C'mon! I'm chocolate chip! Everyone loves choclate chip!" Then you take that first bite and it dawns on you: you're eating rat pizza. Even tofu is more deceptive than this dirty rat.

Let's Hear it for the Boys

I want to begin by stating that these men are total monsters. Evil incarnate. They've committed terrible crimes against humanity and this post should in no way hint that these terrible men are in any way worthy of admiration.


That being said, now let's have some fun by talking about them objectively! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:

100º C - Julius Caesar
Great conqueror, great sculptures, and great salads

90º - Fidel Castro
With his ever-present cigar and fantastic beard, where else does he belong? Qué machísimo!

80º C - Benito Mussolini
I could get lost in those beady little eyes. And his jaw looks like it's used for crushing things.

70º C - Saddam Hussein and Joseph Stalin

They're essentially the same person. But they get up this high for their extraordinary "man"-staches. 

60º C - Kim Jong Il
What has eight fingers, two thumbs, and is the craziest man alive? THIS GUY. I mean, check out those shades. Last time I checked there weren't any night clubs in Pyongyang. Actually, there isn't much of anything in North Korea. So he get's a +1 and a -1 for being crazy.

50º C - Mao Zedong
Excuse me, sir, is that a third eye on your chin? Nope, that's just a massive mole. Also, Princess Amidala called and she want's her mini-wig back. Yet, he does have somewhat of a friendly grandpa vibe going on in this picture... He was quite talented with propaganda.

40º C - Francisco Franco
Please, the Hitler Stache had been so DONE before. Also, I can't find a parking space for my bus. Do you mind if I use your FOREHEAD?

30º C - Adolph Hitler
This man is down here solely on principle. If he had been deformed physically he would have been further. He just looks scary. Don't even want to talk about it. (His eyes will follow you around the room. I tried.)

20º C - Napoleon Bonaparte
Instead of delineating why he's down here, I decided to give him some nicknames instead.
Napoleon "Baby-face" Bonaparte
Napoleon "Lord Farquad" Bonaparte
Napoleon "Humpty-Dumpty" Bonaparte
Napoleon "Can't-get-my-hand-out-of-my-waistcoat" Bonaparte
etc.

10º C - Vladimir Lenin

1) He looks like a gremlin. 2) He looks like a mad scientist. 3) Beard is a little to devilish. 4) Check out that chrome dome. That is one arid scalp.

***Special Outlier***

???º C - Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

This guy fits somewhere near the top (Couldn't decide where) only because of this comparison:

Made by this man:

In this song: http://www.hulu.com/watch/16771/saturday-night-live-snl-digital-short-iran-so-far

Witchay Woman

Now let's hear it for the most enchanting women of all...

100º C - Hermione Granger

Pros- Hot hot hot hot hot. And she is b-e-a-utiful. I feel like I’ve had a nice glass of Amortentia whenever I see her.

Other pros- She’s got the brains and personality to match the outside.

90º C - Alex Russo

Pro - Absolutely enchanting. She has attitude a plenty.

Downside- Is known to have total tools for bf’s. (in real life as well in character)

95º C - Elizabeth Montgomery

Pro - She’s so cute when she wiggles her nose. She must know we can appreciate the whole Helen Parr thing.

Con- her family can be a real pain sometimes.

80º C - Scarlett Witch

Pro- Has the whole leather, freaky mutant thing flowin’.

Con- Cross her the wrong way and not only will you end up hexed, but you’ll have Magneto to answer to.

75º C - Sabrina the Teenage Witch

Pro- She defined what it was like to be a teenage witch. Reminds us of childhood in the 90’s

Con- I’m not sure how I feel about having a talking cat following us around...

65º C - Willow

Pro- If Hermione didn’t prove that we like the whole nerdy witch thing, Willow does.

Con- She may or may not destroy the world if you make her moody. 

60º C - Galadriel

Pro- She eminates grace and love and is powerful to boot.

Con- Show a little emotion girl!

50º C - Bellatrix LeStrange

Pro- If you’re into the whole psychotic goth thing, she’s the girl for you. She probably knows where the best raves in town are going down.

Con- Her hair is full of secrets and she’s a super freak, not in the good way. That is not a good combo.

40º C - Jadis

Pro- She’s pretty cool to hang out with because her treats bring all them boys to her cause.

Con- She's a bit of an ice queen. No one kills Aslan and gets away with it. NO ONE.

30º C - Glinda the Good

Pro- Very caring. She knows how to get you home... bow chicka bowwow.

Con- If we think the talking cat is annoying.... imagine the munchkins..... hordes of munchkins.....

20º C - Malificent

Con- Scary. Evil. 

Double Con- She can turn into a real dragon when she’s in the wrong mood.

Pro: She can turn into a dragon... like a boss.

10º C - Ursula

Con- Overweight, malignant, tricksy little hobbit.

Double Con- The six legs and creepy squids aren’t doing it for me.
Triple Con - She doesn’t ask for much... JUST YOUR VOICE!

0º C - Martha Coury

Pro: So hott, she was burned at the stake

Con- Convicted as a witch in Salem. So not cool.